So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Of course I have a pirate flag
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
