I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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