I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
