What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
