Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
