I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
