Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
