I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
