Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
