I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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