I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
