I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
