I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
