People with herpes should wear stickers.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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