I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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