My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
