I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
