i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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