I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
