I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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