Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
