Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
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Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
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I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Congratulations! We have a period
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