He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
