they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
