we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
