Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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