does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
