i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
