Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
