So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
