i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
