It's Friday. Sex?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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