fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
