I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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