My girlfriend figured out who you are.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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