My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
