shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
