I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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