i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
