I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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