I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
