i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
