The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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