the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
