I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
zippers are such a cool invention
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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