Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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