you guys were way drunker than both of me
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
