If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
