Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
