update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
