I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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