Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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