Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
