oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
