im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
