I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
