I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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